Monday, August 31, 2009

Confession of the Confused

Is it the west wind that has come and blown my love away,
Or is it just a passing phase?
I've heard true love never dies,
How come mine is dead and gone a thousand miles?
Years of fantasies and good dreams
Turning out to be a farce or so it seems.
Is it the years that have robbed me out
Or am I yet to fall again?
Time will answer all my doubts,
Until then I'll wait and watch.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Then

"Lavender's blue deellee, deellee,
Lavender's green;
When I am king deellee, deellee,
You shall be queen,"
1990
With red dresses and make-ups, we sashayed on the stage. The boys wore school-uniforms but had little bow-ties to make them look a little dressed up. He took me to the venue that day. It was my first parent's day function and I was in kindergarten. He watched me from the back, from behind all the parents who were present. My mom was in the crowd.

"Little Miss Muffet
Sat on a tuffet,
Eating her curd and whay..."
1991
I wore a cream-coloured dress and my cheeks were bright red from the lipstick that was used as a blush. I had a ribbon on my forehead and little wings, all matching to my dress. I was a fairy this time and my class was enacting the 'Little Miss Muffet' play. I was in class-I and this time too he stood watching from the back. After the function, he took me aside and asked his friend to click a photo of me holding the prize I'd just won, for 'best attendance' that year.

"Shepherds! Shake off your drowsy sleep,
Rise and leave your silly sheep;"...
1992
This time I was an angel. He had worked so hard on my wings that I in fact had the best wings amongst the angels. That day, unknowingly, I had worn my wings upside down so before our play he told my mom to fix it for me. I was called outside and my mom adjusted the wings for me. Again, he stood watching from the back.

5:00 A.M
1994
I woke up earlier than usual. That morning we were running a cross-country race. At the beginning of the race, I ran fast. But I slowly tired down and by the end of the race, I was half walking. Later at home, he told me he had waited so long to see me run up to the spot close to where he was watching.

"Animals in Captivity"
1996
I chose this topic for an elocution competition. He was way excited than I was. The night before the competition, he made me practise on and on. My eldest sister was just as enthusiastic and so they eagerly took me to my uncle's place. They wanted me to practise in front of my cousin who is good at this sort of thing. The next day, I won first prize. He gave me ten bucks as a reward.

"You're the first in class"
1998
It was an aunt who told me my examination result. None from my family had the time to go and pick up my result as he was bed-ridden. He smiled when he heard this and sat up on his bed. This would be the last time that he was going to give me his support, the last time that he would beam whenever I accomplished something, the last time that he would ever hear about me.

A week passed. Then he was gone. My father, who always gave me tremendous support, was no more. On that fateful day in May, I lost my special spectator who never tired himself of watching me from the back, from behind the crowd.

Friday, July 24, 2009

Phoenix

Despised from birth
Oft' cursed as blunder.
She wrought and toil
From dusk till dawn.
'Silence' - her loudest voice
E'er drawing sarcastic eyes.
Though belittle her heart beats strong
Wrapping in love her little ones
That none can break nor beat it down.
She is the girl child
The second best;
Forever fighting for her place.
But like a phoenix she rises again
Over and over though burnt to ashes.
She is the woman
Who soars in grace
Embracing pain and joy alike.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

.........

We humans are funny creatures. If we really or rather badly want something, we are ready for anything. No matter what, the adrenaline always kicks in and voila we give our all. Be it in love, career or even the simplest of things like common neccesities. So it became no different for me although it has nothing to do with love or career but simply life and a movie.
A sunny day
1:3o p.m
Delhi
200 bucks
and so it went like that. One sunny friday morning, I woke up and decided to go for a movie. I had been waiting for this release since last year and could wait no longer. So I called up a friend who wanted to come along and the two of us set out. We went for a midday show and I'm sure if you've experienced this Delhi summer you'll surely say 'wow'. Even indoors, this heat can drain you out. Venturing out at this time would have been only for important matters, but nothing could outdone our enthusiasm. Braving the heat, me and my friend rushed out as we were almost late. There was a traffic jam and my mind was already planning to watch the part that we would be missing at the first chance that I could. We sort of ran to the venue. We stood in line but much to our relief, a man sold us his tickets. Without hesitation, I shed 200 bucks. Maybe this is nothing for some, but on a student's budget it really is something else. I would have never done this on normal occasions but this was special. We were lucky because the moment we took our seats, the movie started.
It felt good. Satisfying. I don't regret any of the things that I did for this movie.
Being a Potter fan, I'm sure you'll understand.
So go on, don't hesitate and give yourself a treat once in a while. The satisfaction that you get later is worth it. But make these occasions rare, otherwise the worth of it will be underestimated.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

for Meera...........

" I would walk those hills again, just to have a glimpse of her. Her black, flowing hair that danced in the winds and her sparkling eyes that tell stories as you look into it. She was the best gift any parent could have been given and yes the Colonel was proud of her. He would talk endlessly of her and being hopelessly in love with her, I was always eager to listen to these talks of her. It was no wonder that I went over to the house next door for every evening tea and with the Colonel's wife always happy to have me around, I never missed to see her beautiful smile. I could never stop wondering how God can create such a perfect thing but I was so thankful to Him to have brought her to this world. I was always in a jovial mood after my evenings at the Colonel's and would always be humming a song as walk into my door. But it was always this door that would shook reality back to me. The moment I entered, the kids would run up to me and kiss me, their mother slowing walking behind them. Then my guilty fantasy world would have to be closed for another day again and wait till it would be let out the next evening. Love can cross boundaries, but mine have to respect those bounderies. Boundaries created by me alone, by the sanctity of marriage.
My wife would have always guessed my little emotional affair but she never complained. She simply waited for me to return to her with all my heart. The day finally came. My love was going to be married. That evening tea wasn't as pleasant as before, a certain Mr. Malhotra was going to take her away. I did not hum when I went back home, my jovial mood was gone. I was bitter and lashed out my frustration at my wife. She bore it all. Many years have passed since then and my grandchildren completes me. I am not sorry for falling for what I could not have but Meera deserves better. Yes, it is true, I still would love to see that girl again but more so, I would love to see Meera again. I hate myself for hesitating to tell her that I am thankful for her, that I loved her, that I am so proud of her for sticking with me through thick and thin as she had promised that day....when I took her to be my wife." The last words were choking him, the guilt he felt is yet to die, I could tell that he missed her so....

Thursday, July 9, 2009

He Listens

at the dead of night
with nothing but undecided mind
tossing and turning
scared not knowing what's best
for tommorow, for way beyond
you call unto Him
He who is above all else
sometimes you question
is there really a listener?
time unfolds His plans
as best suited for you
though seasons and years may fall
before the right time comes
but when He gives you what you need
you're assured that He listens
though the night may be still
and you can't hear His voice